If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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