I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
