If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
