So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
