we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
