Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
