you would pick up someone in the library
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize