How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We talked him into tasing himself.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
