You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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