There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She's the barista slut.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize