Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
