a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
