it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
