a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
