Quick, to the slutcave!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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