Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
