I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
