Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
