She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
