I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
God, I missed his penis.
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