the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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