Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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