Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
We smell like vodka and hangover
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