I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
