I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
