she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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