I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
