She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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