GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
