Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
