he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
