I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just want nice things and good sex
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
