id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
