I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
