On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
