dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
