Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
