I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
