Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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