You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
