Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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