I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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