Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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