the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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