Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
