In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
