mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
