Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
my poor anus
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
