Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
