the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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