my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
