My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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