God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
