dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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