im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
