so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
and she was petting her beer can
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
