i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
