In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
