Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I wish my penis had an off switch
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
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