i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm bleeding and have questions
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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