I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
