Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
