Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
