When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
