just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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