Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
