someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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